The Beerpiphany of St Carlsburg, Part Two: Avoidance of the Alcoholocaust

The mega-myriad readers of my blog will know that I have a problem with alcohol. I'm not an alckie, I'm not even a big drinker. But when I drink, whether I end up sober, or so drunk I bone a bollard, my hangovers are evil. Invariably I enter a state I term the alcoholocaust.

In case you didn't know, hangovers are rated on the the H:E ratio (Hangover:Ebola ratio). The relative proportion of the hangover has a psycho-phsyiologiocal equivalent to Stage 3 Ebola. As a point of reference, a 19 year old rugby playing Russian would typically have hangovers with an H:E of 1:480. When you have an average H:E of 2, things get pretty bad. That's basically half an Ebola; an experience that can change you, as a man, deep inside.

Here am I, 36, with an H:E of a 68 year old.

Two weeks ago I went for a casual drink with my wife. I hadn't drunk much, maybe four pints... certainly not six. The next day, for literally about three hours I thought I had at least Marburg, possibly full-on Ebola. I was haemmoraging bile from my nose, which, considering my wife is a vegetarian, isn't very nice. At all. I pretty much puked myself into a mobius strip... inside the latrine. It was hell.
There is a scant dignity remaining in life when four pints can do that to you. This much, now, is clear.....

It gets worse...

In the week I'm out for a drink with my dad and Conan. I was sober, we all were sober, I had max four pints... the next day... gesus fricking cristos.... another bout of full scale gastro-meltdown....

Que pasa?
"Feels like Lassa"

It is 2008. I had to take action. I went into Boots in the wonderful City of Truro. I asked the pharmacist if he could help me out with some sort of pre-emptive hangover cure. Yes, yes he could, he said.... but he couldn't.... he only sold what The Hegemony wanted him to sell... and that was just Resolve.

Resolve is not a cure. It is an insult to the cause. I knew I needed to go deeper...

  • I started researching, learning, understanding. I was becoming a sage of alcohol. But even with the vast power of the internet I found no cure for my kind of alcoholism: high hangover susceptibility.
  • I went far into the neurophysiology of alcohol on synaptic-dysfucntion.
  • I searched for the philosophers stone of beer.
  • I saw, under electron microscopy, how the decompositionals of alcohol by the body's organs effect the same neuro-receptors as those effected in auto-nausaic reactions, ie, the two finger tonsil tango.
  • I fed rats Chocolate Liqueurs for months and watched them get more and more sleepy and podgy.
  • I even went into the matrix and saw the back-end code for drunkenness as sensation and behaviour.

From fermentation
To defecation
And urination
There was no part of the alcohol equation
That was not very much, in my acquaintion

Last night I found the answer.

I didn't find it by luck. This was not muttered to me by some crazy from the wiki gave me tell.... this was found... by investigation... meditation.... dedication... and insight....

There comes a time in a quest
When you must do what is best
When you must make, and take, the test
When you must stand beyond the rest

And the answer... this
enlightenment I bring to you.... this extinguishing of the alocoholocauststic anguish.... is summed up in the Four Noble P's which much be practiced before alcohol induced sonoration kicks in. The Four Noble P's, these which I have discovered, are the right and clear path out of Alcoholocaust:

The Four Noble P's
  1. Pint (of water)
  2. Pizza (purchased/prepared previously)
  3. Pint (of water)
  4. Paracetemol.

Perfectimondo.... Sunday morning.... I get up.. I check myself... and ?

"No la!"
Feelin' good?
"I'm feelin' fine?"

What's the time?
"Ten past nine"


Having fun?
"Going for a run..."

The Beerpiphany of St Carlsburg, part one, is on